The Life and Thoughts of the New David Garcia

Consistently inconsistent

2011-08-28T18:11:00.002-04:00

I have no idea why I named the post "Consistently Inconsistent". I just think it looks nice and witty.

I have been up for 23 hours now. I just cannot go to sleep right now. I have been on my overnight schedule for over a year now, and it still messes with my body. Since I live on my own, I do not have that extra voice that says "You should go to bed" or "Please don't have another cookie". I guess that is a big reason for the bags under my eyes and the weight gain.

I should have more self-control. Some people are hooked on drugs. Some are hooked on sex. Some are hooked on gambling.

I am hooked on Mexican Coke. In fact, I am having one right now.

*sip* aaaaaaahhhhhh.... mucho refresco...

I have always been the person who gets distracted easily by anything, like music, shiny things or boobs. I always have a hard time keeping focus on the task at hand. I figure writing is a way to keep my mind sharp and alert. Practice makes perfect.

Or maybe this will make me fall asleep faster.

Either way, it can only benefit me.

Sleep is so not over-rated

2010-08-01T01:44:00.002-04:00

Songs playing in background while writing:

"Like Dylan in the Movie" -- Belle and Sebastian
"Brick" -- Ben Folds Five
"Lazy Eye" -- Silversun Pickups
"Hey Jealousy" -- Gin Blossoms

I am so fucking tired, but I have to stay for about 4-5 more hours...

I start my new schedule on Monday. I will be moving to 3rd Shift (overnight), and I am excited. This is a big step for me and I cannot wait to really start curing the ills of Windstream customers. But because I had been working 2pm-11pm the past two weeks, I have to start getting my body accustomed to the shift. So, I have to make sure that I stay up until 6-7am today, and then until about 8am the next day.

Last night I was up until about 5ish before I gave in. Thats fine, but I need to be up. Tough it out. It would be easier to do this in NYC, because there are things to do and places to go to. Greenville isn't really known for its 4am hangout spots ...except Wal-Mart and Waffle House, and part of me keeps thinking that just walking around a Wal-Mart at 4am is kind of sad (the other parts of me think that it is incredibly sad).

Hmm... Coffee should help... and maybe a good movie... or a captivating book... start the Great American Novel (even though the only thing I write is this blog. Fuck, maybe not). Need to keep the mind fresh and active.

I can do this. Get your second wind! Tough it out!

*Yawn*

I am screwed.

Should I feel something?

2010-07-01T12:54:00.003-04:00

My girlfriend and I decided to end our relationship two weeks ago... and I am not really missing her.

Does that make me an asshole?

I kind of always knew that it wasn't going to last. Right when we started dating, she told me that she was not sure if she was ready to be in a relationship. Well, five months later, and she realized that she just couldn't do it. We had the conversation on the phone, and it initially floored me...

Then I slept on it.

I woke up the next morning without a feeling of loss. I woke up with a feeling of "Well, we gave it a shot. It didn't work out". Should I be more in mourning? Should I act like it bothers me more than it did? This is just confusing.

I feel like just writing what is in my head and heart would be more therapeutic.

Shit... didn't I say my posts would have more dick jokes?

ASS-FUCKING!

Well, It's not really a dick joke, but it should do the trick.

Will probably write more about this at a later time.

Been a while

2010-06-30T01:35:00.002-04:00

It has been a long time since I have posted anything.

What I had been doing was dumbing myself down. I figured that if I used Twitter, I just needed to fill 140 characters, instead of the endless space I am afforded on a blog. What that did was make me lazy. Quick-fire responses are ok, but everyone needs to let their mind go for longer than 140 characters. It needs to stretch. It needs to be used.

So, I decided to come back to my long forgotten blog.

I hope it is enjoyable... if not, there will be a smattering of dick jokes to keep everyone entertained.

Easter Sunday part 3

2009-04-12T16:47:00.000-04:00

I have about three hours left o my shift. I think that it may be too late to call out sick.

It could be worse...

Wait... Nope... It couldn't.

Easter Sunday part 2

2009-04-12T11:59:00.000-04:00

In the middle of watching Super Bowl 42 (Giants-Patriots). That game will alwsy be in my ipod. That and Juno. God, I love that movie. Definately in my top ten.

Off the top of my head, my top ten favorite movies would probably be:

1. The Godfather
2. Shawshank Redemption
3. Constantine
4. Saving Private Ryan
5. The Godfather part 2
6. Brokeback Mountain
7. Juno
8. Office Space
9. Toy Story 2
10. Clerks

Easter Sunday in blog form

2009-04-12T09:54:00.000-04:00

I think that a good way to make the time go by faster is to write throughout the day. Anything that comes up. As long as I do not disparage the company I work for (which I wouldn't do anyway).

Let's see how this turns out...

Maybe I Made a Mistake

2009-04-12T09:14:00.000-04:00

As much as I am enjoying my new schedule (Friday - Monday 9am-8pm)... I do feel like I am missing everything. Today is Easter Sunday, and while my family is getting together, I will be at work, taking calls.

Good times, Harry. Good times.

Mah.

Seriously?

2009-04-08T23:44:00.000-04:00

On the 1st of April, it had been one year since I have been in South Carolina... And in all seriousness, I have never been more bored. If I am not driving by mid-september, please shoot me. Have a nice day, everybody!!!

Hong Kong Granny

2009-03-23T14:51:00.003-04:00

This is so awesome! You better help them across the street, or else they will beat yo ass!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/03/23/canefu-martial-arts-for-s_n_177976.html

And baby makes three!

2009-03-22T17:27:00.000-04:00

I have just found out that one of my oldest friends is pregnant with her child.

Words cannot describe how happy I am for her and her hubby. She is an amazing person and I know that she will be one heck of a mom. She will be that mom that will take her kids out of school early for a ballgame. The cool mom. The one all her kid's friends wish they had.

I am still smiling. I guess great things do happen to great people.

And if you are reading this... do NOT name your kid Richard (if it is a boy). You will doom the child, for he will be subjected to years of Dick jokes.

Just a suggestion.

Love you and miss you. Congrats!!

Sunday Randomness

2009-03-22T15:35:00.000-04:00

It is a slow day. Not too many calls... and the calls that have come in are fairly cut and dry.

Thank goodness.

Now I an concentrate on more important things... like my upcoming fantasy basebal drafts. My favorite day of the year, because it means that Opening Day is right around the corner.

Huzzah!!

Quote of the Day

2009-03-18T23:21:00.001-04:00

"She is naturally curvy. Not Dunkin' Donuts curvy"

-- Me.

... Well... it's true! She isn't!

New Years Resolutions Revisited

2009-03-17T19:29:00.004-04:00

Three and a months ago, I made 10 new years resolutions that I wanted to keep. In order to help with that, I decided to post them, so that I can revisit them every now and then. Well, it is time to see how I am doing...

1. Finally learn how to operate that newfangled machine called a "car".

I finally got my learner's permit last week! My picture looks like I am a complete moron, but I don't care, cause I can now get behind the wheel and start the training process!

2. Lose enough weight to not embarrass myself at the beach.

I have lost 6 pound so far in 2009. Someone should have told me that Hardees is not conducive to dieting.

3. Date more often. This way I can get out of the house more... on the flip side of that, I have watched waaaaaaaaaay too much TV in 2008.

Nothing new on the dating front. However, I do keep getting emails from eHarmony. How did you know I am that lonely?

4. To stop dressing cheaply. "Hobo Chic" is not something you should aspire to.

I recently bought new socks. Nice socks. The type of socks you can impress chicks with. "Ew! Get away from m... Wow... Those socks are nice! Here is my number"

A man can dream.

5. Keep this blog updated daily for the whole year. Even if it is with pure stupidity.

I plead the fifth.

6. Whoop everyones behind in the Triple Sport Fantasy League this year I am starting with Groganman (Groganman's Musings is one of my favorite blogs... check it out!)

We are finally up and running! The draft is on the 29th, so I will post the results then!

7. Continue my streak of 7 years without going to church (and with that, 7 years of thoroughly disappointing my very religious mother)

The easiest resolution I have ever made. I might as well just made one that says "Don't grow a second penis".

8. Learn to cook. You actually CAN make meals without solely using a microwave.

I made turkey burgers tonight. Quite delicious!

9. Finally realize that in order to date, I must actually stop acting like a shy 13 year old around girls. That does not help.

Getting better at this. Still gettign alot of "No's", but out of 100 girls, one is bound to say "Why not?". Have 82 girls to go!

10. Finish my transformation from "Davis Garcia" to "David Garcia"... 29 years in the making, my friends.

Officially done! I am now "David Garcia". Oh yeah... The air is sweeter, the food tastes better... Problem is that I am still me...

sigh...

Oh, the weather outside is frightful..

2009-03-01T19:03:00.000-05:00

It is March 1, 2009. The entire winter, I waited for snow. Not a cheap set of flurries, but snow. December went by, and we did not have a white Christmas. January rolls on by, and nothing. February comes and goes, and not a speck.

Today… on March 1st… it finally snowed. Not just a trickle, but a good amount of it.

Sucks that I am indoors. But once 8pm hits, I am out of here, and just immersing myself in it.

Until I catch a cold, and spend my days off bed-ridden.

…

On second thought, I just got disc 3 of the first season of Deadwood from Netflix. I can’t get sick from watching awesome TV. J

It's been a good ride

2009-02-24T15:47:00.002-05:00

This email was sent to me from god knows where, but it is very funny and true. So I must share...

Dear Former Me,

I'm somewhat at a loss here.... 29 years together, and you just up and drop me like that? Damn that's cold. I guess I can understand, we've been drifting apart for years, and I guess you just wanted to be more "normal", more "mainstream". But David? One letter? I mean after all the crap you had to go through to get this divorce from me, you couldn't pick something like Becks Garcia, or Sir Alex Garcia? At the very least, you could have made yourself David Wright Garcia.

Sigh. Well, we've had some good times together, and you've shown me the world. I now head off to my new life, that of a dispossessed first name... a ronin of names you might say. I guess I wish you all the best, and I hope you think of me from time to time...

Sincerely,

Your former you - Davis

PS: COOKIES???? MY FINAL FUCKING MEAL WAS COOKIES?!?!??!? Talk about the final insult. I shall leave with my head held high.

PPS: You Douchebag.

Sunday Musings

2009-02-22T16:44:00.001-05:00

1. I now work weekends... which leaves me alot of time to not do much, since it can be very slow. How slow, you ask? I just finished re-reading 'Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows'. All 759 pages of it. In less than 2 days. And I still have about 3 hours to go! Save me, Jeebus!

2. I saw a woman walking around Downtown Greenville this afternoon when I was going to grab lunch. Bocce balls! She was incredibly beautiful. This woman was so striking, she made me doubt whether or not we were even the same species.

...

Man, I need to date more.

3. Davis hearts good soup.

4. The fact that me loving soup is #3 on the list shows how action packed my life truly is.

5. Signed up for Netflix yesterday. I queued up all three seasons of Deadwood. I have heard great stuff about it, so I figure I might as well take it for a spin. Plus, I will start doing really reviews for noteworthy flix. This week's movie will be 'Religulious'. Stay tuned.

6. I have the coolest sister-in-law ever.

7. Two more days until Davis is no more.

Pop Rocks

2009-02-09T19:54:00.001-05:00

So, while I am at work, wishing for the time to go by faster… and being thoroughly disappointed afterwards, a co-worker of mine comes to my desk and hands me a treat. She is a real sweetheart, so I take it… and notice a bunch of red and white crystals. I quickly scour my brain to see if they are some sort of drug that I have seen on the television machine, but I did not recall it. She then breaks the silence and says “it’s Cotton Candy Pop Rocks!”

I immediately thought about the urban myth that Mikey from the Life Cereal commercials was killed because the mixture of Pop rocks and Coca-Cola made little Mikey’s tummy go boom. I looked around to see if I had any soda cans on my desk. Good… only a half drank coffee and a water bottle. I am in the clear… for now.

Now, I haven’t had Pop Rocks since I was a wee lil’ tyke. The fizzy feeling on your tongue and down your throat was such a experience when I was a youngin. Well, I am 29 years old now, so Pop Rocks is a veeeeery different experience.

Once I popped the Rocks, they started fizzling and jumping and doing the rumba on my tongue. There was a party in my mouth and everyone was invited (If you had a party in your mouth, and everyone was invited, would you feel really bummed out if no one showed up? Yeah, these are the thoughts that go through my brain)!

Once the initial “HOLY CRAP” phase ends, you just enjoy the insane feeling. But because this is me, nothing happens like it is supposed to. At that moment, a call came in. I have to take the call. But I have to do something about the Pop Rocks, because if I try to talk to someone over the phone with Rocks in my mouth, they will think that there is major static on the line. So, I did what every person instinctively does at a moment like this arises…

I swallowed.

The Pop Rocks immediately starting to bring in da noise and bring in da funk. Have you ever tried to hold any semblance of a conversation while a 4th of July fireworks display is happening in your gut? It’s not easy.

About 2 minutes later, the party died down. The popping subsided, and my mouth and stomach went back to normal. I vowed at that point that I would never try Pop Rocks again.

Well, until I completely forget about this experience in about a month or so, and I hear myself utter, “Sure, I’ll try some Pop Rocks!”

Mental Ipod

2009-02-08T16:42:00.001-05:00

My mind is the kind that is always running about 120MPH (Hello, Adderall!). There is always something jumping around in there, which does tend to lead to insomnia. However, one of the plus/minuses of my speedy brain is that I tend to have a jukebox in there going 24/7. Any song that ends up playing will tend to be there for a good amount of time, whether I like it or not. No matter how hard I try, it is stuck there until it just disappears. Good example of this:

Last week, I had Beyonce’s ”Single Ladies (Put a Ring on it)” blaring in my head. Now mind you, I never disliked the song to begin with, but after 4-5 days of it on loop in my head… yeah… Let’s just say, it will be a loooooooooooooooooooooooong time until I will like that song. Hopefully about two or three lifetimes from now.

Nowadays, I have been humming Mott the Hopple’s “All the Young Dudes”, and I absolutely love that song. So now, I am singing that to myself between calls, and I am doing it with a smile… which is a big step up from this scene last week:

Me sitting at my desk, typing something up for work, and then out of nowhere, I just go “If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it. If you liked it then you shoulda put a ri… GAAAAH!!! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!!!!”

…

Huge step up, and my co-workers don't think I am a lunatic anymore. Double bonus!

No Longer Airport Waiting

2009-02-06T15:17:00.002-05:00

About thirty minutes after I wrote the last post, I found out that my flight was cancelled. Awesome. I woke up at 2:30am, left the house at 3:30, got to the airport at 4:45am, and waited until 7am until I was told the flight was grounded due to mechanical problems. I then waited until 11am until someone was able to come and pick me up.

Just awesome. My day was shot and its was not even noon yet. I am going to sleep until Sunday afternoon.

My name change now has to be postponed for another week or two. I NO LONGER WANT TO BE DAVIS!!!! DO YOU HEAR ME, GOD? BUDDHA? ZEUS? OPRAH? WHOEVER IS THE HEAD HONCHO IN CHARGE? Help me stop the madness.

Airport Waiting

2009-02-06T06:36:00.003-05:00

I am terrified of flying. Always have been. That is why, if I do have to fly, I use JetBlue. The TV for every seat is great, because it distracts me from the fact that a flock of birds can knocks us out of the sky at any point.

My flight to NYC is supposed to board at 6:15am, however they have found a problem with the computers in the plane, so that have to make the necessary corrections before we fly out. Now I appreciate the fact that they found this out while the plane is on the ground, and not over Virginia, but now that just brings up every fear i have when it comes to flying.

There is an excellent chance the flight goes off without a hitch, but it is too late. I just ask one thing:

If you read in the paper about a passenger, whose name is withheld, that just sobbed uncontrollably throughout the entire 2 hour flight...

Don't judge me. :p

Things I Learned and Thought This Weekend

2009-02-02T15:21:00.005-05:00

1. The breakout star of Super Bowl XLIII---

2. I had forgotten, but Groganman’s Pork Chop sandwiches are amazing.

3. As it turns out, Bruce Springsteen is a hell of a performer. I think that youngster has a bright future ahead of him.

4. I am so looking forward to the new "G.I. Joe" movie in August.

5. Though I truly thought BJ Penn got what was coming to him, the fact that it absolutely looked like Georges St. Pierre had Vaseline rubbed on his back and chest is enough to make the fight even a smidge suspicious... which is what the UFC does NOT need.

6. Saying that... BJ Penn got whooped like a government mule.

7. Brock Lesnar-Frank Mir fight will be on May 23rd, which is on my birthday weekend... Looks like ol' David here is going to have himself a rollickin' good time that weekend!

Quote of the Day

2009-02-02T15:20:00.000-05:00

“That Larry Fitzgerald is FAST!! He was running like he was running from the police”

-- A co-worker, excitedly describing yesterday’s thrilling Super Bowl.

Sweet Dreams Are Made Of These

2009-01-27T18:28:00.001-05:00

I had a dream last night, in which I was directing a movie about my friends… starring family and friends.

We all lived in this huge, run down, southern style mansion. My brother and his wife played… my brother and his wife. I played myself. My romantic interest was an ex who I haven’t seen or heard from in about 4-5 years (nice girl, though). My sisters were back-up singers (thinking about it, I have no idea why back-up singers would be needed in a non-musical), few co-workers were the crew, and my parents ran the catering truck…

Did I mention that the entire “movie” was shot in the middle of a massive hurricane?

Anyway, we are shooting the movie, and of course… the usual problems arise. The cameras run out of film… My brother cannot grasp the fact that you cannot look directly into the camera… My sisters are horrible singers… My ex is felatting every male within a 5 mile radius (she was very friendly)… My parent’s catering truck got swept up by the hurricane, with them inside of it (which sucks because it was Burrito Day)… You know, the basics.

While shoot a crucial, heart-wrenching scene, in which my brother tells his wife that he must go on the road to follow John Tesh during his latest world tour, a homeless man (who looked a lot like my 5th grade gym teacher) walks in and decides that he must hold everyone hostage, until he gets the one thing he has been trying to find for the past couple … a pink kazoo. After 30 minutes of pleading for our lives, it took 5 minutes with my ex (I knew she was good for something) for him to let us go. I was so grateful, I cast him as Todd Tinkerly, a man who held up the family for a pink kazoo (I am nothing, if not original).

I honestly woke up when I yelled out, “Cut!”. You know you had a weird dream when the thing you think or say when you wake up is, “What the…?”

Curiously Strong Factoids

2009-01-22T00:48:00.003-05:00

I am dork when it comes to surveys. I enjoy them way too much... mainly because they do a better job of describing me than I ever could on my own. So when I saw this survey on It's Gonna Take More Than A Hamburger To Make Me Happy! (really cool blog... check it out when you have a chance!), Well, I knew I had to take it out for a spin .

I am nothing, if not unoriginal.

WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
I really do not know... but a fun fact is that a few months after I was introduced to the world, Hurricane Me tore through the East Coast. Hurricane Me was so bad, they actually had to retired the name "David". There will never be another Hurricane David.. I mean... Hurricane Me...

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED AND WHY?
Watching "We Were Soldiers" on a date in August...

And I wonder why we are no longer dating...

DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Half-script, half-print, all messy... I dig it.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?

Love me some Roast Beef.

DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Not yet. Someday.

IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
I be a cool cat to hang with. If for no other reason than to go out with, cause next to me, you will look a lot better.

DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
Read answer to previous question. NEXT!

DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yeah, I do. They have been there my entire life, and not once have they bothered to help pay rent.

Fucking moochers.

WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
No thank you. I have a bad fear of heights and a really bad fear of doing anything incredibly stupid.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
At the moment, I am on a Kellogg's Corn Flakes kick. Love 'em.

DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
When I am not tired and/or lazy, yes.

(btw, 94% of the time, I am tired/lazy)

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
I think so. Not "DAVID SMASH!!!!" strong, but strong enough.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
I am lactose intolerant. Stop rubbing it in, you ass.

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE ?
Men, hair. Women, breasts.

Hey, I am being honest here.

RED OR PINK?
Manchester United red

WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
Shyness

WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST ?
Right now... I can't really say that I am missing anyone.

WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
I am wearing nothing but a smile...

...

You can uncover your eyes now. I was only joking.

WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE ?
Grilled Steak and Steamed Vegatables.

WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Crickets...

If you meant music, then Belle and Sebastian.

IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Super Happy. I shit you not, that is an actual Crayola color.

FAVORITE SMELLS?
Fresh Laundry and my nieces after a bath.

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Marc.

FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Baseball (Let's go, Mets!) and Soccer (Glory, Glory Man United!)

HAIR COLOR?
skin

EYE COLOR?
Dark brown.

DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
Oh yeah, especially since my glasses were stolen at work.

FAVORITE FOOD?
Lasagne and Peanut Butter (not together)

SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Depends on the mood.

LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Shawshank Redemption

WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Orange.

SUMMER OR WINTER?
Winter. I loooove the cold.

HUGS OR KISSES?
Kisses... but I have been told I am great at both.

FAVORITE DESSERT?
Brownies

WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
D-Day by Stephen Ambrose

WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
touchpad... sorry to disappoint.

WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT?
UFC Unleashed and The Rachel Maddow Show (huge crush on her... and yes I do know she is a lesbian)

FAVORITE SOUND?
My 21 month old niece saying "Hi Dave"

ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Beatles, though I haven't really educated myself with the Stones yet.

WHAT IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Colombia

DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
It is so secret, even I don't know what it is.

WHERE WERE YOU BORN?

New York City

I TAG:

you're it! Your turn to fill this bad boy out and post it.

Fan of Cheese

2009-01-19T15:56:00.003-05:00

I am a sucker for teen dramas. The cheesier, the better. You can have CSI and Law and Order… I will take Gossip Girl and One Tree Hill any day of the week.

You can have Charlie Sheen trying to be funny on “Two and a Half Men”, I will take Dixon telling Silver that he loves her for the first time on “90210”. Enjoying Izzie getting her freak on with a ghost on “Grey’s Anatomy”? I will have some fun watching Ryan and Marissa’s star-crossed romance on “The O.C.”

And don't get me started on "Dawson's Creek". That show will live forever in my mind.

I have no idea why I would share all this. I guess I want people to see how truly sad I am. :p

Anyway, Gossip Girl and One Tree Hill are on tonight, which means that from 8pm-10pm, you know exactly where I will be.

Things I learned this week

2009-01-17T11:48:00.000-05:00

1. It is much easier to write things if it is in list form, hence this post. :p

2. Never give a 20 month old a lollipop. She will follow you around for the rest of your life asking for another one. Plus, their mom will be wicked mad.

3. The British version of “The Office” is absolutely amazing. Ricky Gervais is a genius. I know I am about 4-5 years too late, but it truly is amazing. It is definitely among the top British shows I have seen (including Fawlty Towers, Torchwood, and Coupling).

4. Must clip toenails before sleeping. Last night I dreamt I was chased by hordes of spiders (I am terrified of them), and since I was moving around in my sleep, I nicked my left pinky toe with one of my Kreuger nails. Half asleep, I was convinced that a black widow spider has crawled under my blanket and bit me, so I spent about 90 minutes trying to find the bite mark. When I came to my senses, I clipped my talons and went back to bed.

5. Don’t clip your toenails at 4:30am, half-asleep. It won’t be pretty.

6. Apparently New York City birds are terrorists.

7. 28 days left until Mets pitchers and catchers report for spring training.

Revisiting 2009 Resolutions

2009-01-14T12:47:00.003-05:00

Every now and then, I will revisit my 2009 resolutions, to see whether or not I am even trying to see them through. Here is the first check-up...

1. Finally learn how to operate that newfangled machine called a "car".

Not yet, however I did watcha few movies that featured driving. I also rode shotgun in a few cars. That should count.

If not, bite me. I still have a while.

2. Lose enough weight to not embarrass myself at the beach.

I have lost 1.5 pound so far in 2009. Oh yeah... feel the burn.

I made a simple pledge to myself to exercise more. I figured that the best time to do it was to wake up about an hour to an hour and a half earlier, so that I can wail on my abs and pecs before work. I set my alarm a few days ago at 7am in order to do so. Each day, I wake up at 7, stretch, make up some B.S. excuse like "It's too cold" or "You gots to be kidding", and then go back to bed.

Baby steps... baby steps...

3. Date more often. This way I can get out of the house more... on the flip side of that, I have watched waaaaaaaaaay too much TV in 2008.

I will say that I have made some progress so far. I talked to a few ladies at work. Sure, they had no interest and looked at me like I have a weird fungi growing on my forehead...

4. To stop dressing cheaply. "Hobo Chic" is not something you should aspire to.

I am proud to say that I am dressing much better nowadays. I figured out that the money I am saving from not eating badly and often can be used to purchase nice clothing. Whodathunkit?

5. Keep this blog updated daily for the whole year. Even if it is with pure stupidity.

Failed miserably. NEXT!

6. Whoop everyones behind in the Triple Sport Fantasy League this year I am starting with Groganman (Groganman's Musings is one of my favorite blogs... check it out!)

This will not start until mid to late February, so if anyone is intersted, please feel free to leave a comment!

7. Continue my streak of 7 years without going to church (and with that, 7 years of thoroughly disappointing my very religious mother)

Done and done!

8. Learn to cook. You actually CAN make meals without solely using a microwave.

I learned how to make chicken stir-fry the other day. Great recipe. Fairly simple.

Open frozen stir-fry package. Dump into pan. Sautee until cooked. Serve.

Eat your heart out, Gordon Ramsey!

9. Finally realize that in order to date, I must actually stop acting like a shy 13 year old around girls. That does not help.

See #3. Now, have to go places that have women who are more accepting of weirdos like me.

10. Finish my transformation from "Davis Garcia" to "David Garcia"... 29 years in the making, my friends.

February 6th. It will be done. My mother's mistake will finally be corrected!

Greatest... Book Review... Ever

2009-01-09T11:31:00.004-05:00

This is an actual review on Amazon.com for "The Secret". Whether it is real or not is inconsequential. All that matters is its awesomeness...

enjoy...

The Secret saved my life!, December 4, 2007
By
Ari Brouillette (Kensington, CA United States) - See all my reviews

Please allow me to share with you how "The Secret" changed my life and in a very real and substantive way allowed me to overcome a severe crisis in my personal life. It is well known that the premise of "The Secret" is the science of attracting the things in life that you desire and need and in removing from your life those things that you don't want. Before finding this book, I knew nothing of these principles, the process of positive visualization, and had actually engaged in reckless behaviors to the point of endangering my own life and wellbeing.
At age 36, I found myself in a medium security prison serving 3-5 years for destruction of government property and public intoxication. This was stiff punishment for drunkenly defecating in a mailbox but as the judge pointed out, this was my third conviction for the exact same crime. I obviously had an alcohol problem and a deep and intense disrespect for the postal system, but even more importantly I was ignoring the very fabric of our metaphysical reality and inviting destructive influences into my life. My fourth day in prison was the first day that I was allowed in general population and while in the recreation yard I was approached by a prisoner named Marcus who calmly informed me that as a new prisoner I had been purchased by him for three packs of Winston cigarettes and 8 ounces of Pruno (prison wine). Marcus elaborated further that I could expect to be [...] raped by him on a daily basis and that I had pretty eyes.
Needless to say, I was deeply shocked that my life had sunk to this level. Although I've never been homophobic I was discovering that I was very rape phobic and dismayed by my overall personal street value of roughly $15. I returned to my cell and sat very quietly, searching myself for answers on how I could improve my life and distance myself from harmful outside influences. At that point, in what I consider to be a miraculous moment, my cell mate Jim Norton informed me that he knew about the Marcus situation and that he had something that could solve my problems. He handed me a copy of "The Secret". Normally I wouldn't have turned to a self help book to resolve such a severe and immediate threat but I literally didn't have any other available alternatives. I immediately opened the book and began to read.
The first few chapters deal with the essence of something called the "Law of Attraction" in which a primal universal force is available to us and can be harnessed for the betterment of our lives. The theoretical nature of the first few chapters wasn't exactly putting me at peace. In fact, I had never meditated and had great difficulty with closing out the chaotic noises of the prison and visualizing the positive changes that I so dearly needed. It was when I reached Chapter 6 "The Secret to Relationships" that I realized how this book could help me distance myself from Marcus and his negative intentions. Starting with chapter six there was a cavity carved into the book and in that cavity was a prison shiv. This particular shiv was a toothbrush with a handle that had been repeatedly melted and ground into a razor sharp point. The next day in the exercise yard I carried "The Secret" with me and when Marcus approached me I opened the book and stabbed him in the neck. The next eight weeks in solitary confinement provided ample time to practice positive visualization and the 16 hours per day of absolute darkness actually made visualization about the only thing that I actually could do. I'm not sure that everybody's life will be changed in such a dramatic way by this book but I'm very thankful to have found it and will continue to recommend it heartily.

Facial hair

2009-01-07T17:56:00.004-05:00

ESPN.com has a chat feature, where random sports figured or journalists go on and, for about an hour, mingle with us common folk. Well, today had an interesting guest. Dr. Aaron Perlut of the American Mustache Instutite. For about an hour, he took questions on all mustache or mustache-related topics. Well, one question and answer really caught my eye...

Kevin (Columbus): I've always wanted to grow a mighty 'stache, but i lack the required amounts of lip hair to fulfill this dream.... any tips?

Dr. Aaron Perlut: Drink vast quantities of beer and eat lots of bacon. Then rub bacon strips upon your upper lip.

I have always wanted a lip sweater to call my own, but I have been denied by genetics at every turn. Now I have learned the secret to a majestic mustache. I can finally look like some of my heroes...

Like Mike Piazza

Hulk Hogan

and, of course, Ron Jeremy.

So starting tonight, I will start rubbing my face with the almighty bacon. I will do so everyday until I grow a majestic mustache that everyone can admire. But I must make sure that I do not overdo it, or else I would end up like this:

That would be a "No Es Bueno" siutation.

Quote of the Day

2009-01-06T23:33:00.003-05:00

I wish my name is Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't gotta be smart to notice it.

-- Mitch Hedburg

Rest on peace, you funny motherfucker.

Tattoo

2009-01-05T16:35:00.004-05:00

I have wanted a tattoo for years now. I have had this tattoo in my head for a few years now. I want to have a large cross inked onto my left arm. The bottom of the cross will look like it is digging into my arm, while the rest of it will be in flames. When I described that to my very religious mother, it took her about 5 minutes to speak (there was much silent prayers for my soul during that time). She then asked why would I do that,because I grew up Catholic, was an alter boy (was never touched), and was raised in a religious household.

I explained it as this...

The burning cross on my arm represents my feelings about religion and how I think not only do I no longer feel like it defines me as a person, but I feel like religion can be a destructive and violent force when wielded in such a way (Middle East, The Crusades, etc.). The reason the cross will be dug into my arm is to symbolize how no matter how much I reject what is propagated to me by a preacher, TV, radio, or any other medium people use to try and spread their message... some of the Bible's teachings helped make me what I am today. Honor thy mother and father, love your fellow man, do not steal... those are just some of the basic beliefs that make me a decent guy. No matter how I feel about religion in general, I still value some of its teachings.

2009 will be the year I finally get this tattoo.

Either that... or the NY Mets logo on my spine. That would be so bad ass!

Ray Maualuga is my hero

2009-01-05T13:50:00.001-05:00

As you can see, it doesn't take much to be my hero.

http://rivals.yahoo.com/ncaa/football/blog/dr_saturday/post/Rey-Maualuga-smooth-operator-just-don-t-tell-E?urn=ncaaf,131994

Quote of the Day

2009-01-03T18:19:00.003-05:00

"Daddy is just a pothead"

-- My brother, Bert, to his 17 month old daughter, Didi.

... I don't think I can add anything to that...

Proof that we are just lazy

2009-01-02T14:00:00.001-05:00

https://www.shapeupshoes.com/buy_now.php

And we wonder why the rest of the world hates us...

New Years Eve

2009-01-02T12:10:00.001-05:00

Spent the first hours of 2009 playing Gin Rummy with my youngest sister, Keisha, while watching "The Simpsons Movie".

Oh yeah... be jealous.

New Year's Resolutions

2008-12-31T15:52:00.005-05:00

1. Finally learn how to operate that newfangled machine called a "car".

2. Lose enough weight to not embarrass myself at the beach.

3. Date more often. This way I can get out of the house more... on the flip side of that, I have watched waaaaaaaaaay too much TV in 2008.

4. To stop dressing cheaply. "Hobo Chic" is not something you should aspire to.

5. Keep this blog updated daily for the whole year. Even if it is with pure stupidity.

6. Whoop everyones behind in the Triple Sport Fantasy League this year I am starting with Groganman (Groganman's Musings is one of my favorite blogs... check it out!)

7. Continue my streak of 7 years without going to church (and with that, 7 years of thoroughly disappointing my very religious mother)

8. Learn to cook. You actually CAN make meals without solely using a microwave.

9. Finally realize that in order to date, I must actually stop acting like a shy 13 year old around girls. That does not help.

10. Finish my transformation from "Davis Garcia" to "David Garcia"... 29 years in the making, my friends.

I am sure there will be more before the year ends... Will update then.

Now, back to work, so that I can stay employed in 2009.

I cannot wait...

2008-12-31T12:31:00.002-05:00

As stated in a Sports Illustrated article titled "Things to watch out for in 2009: Baseball" --

4. Rickey Henderson's Hall of Fame induction speech: Get your recorders ready. People have been waiting for this one for years. The man who once as a free agent called up Padres GM Kevin Towers and said, "This is Rickey calling on behalf of Rickey. Rickey wants to play" will be the guaranteed hit of the party.

I have been waiting for this for some time now... YouTube will crash when that video hits.

It's the little things that make me happy

2008-12-29T16:00:00.002-05:00

MLB Network will launch on January 1st at 6pm, and I found out recently that Charter Communications will offer the channel as part of their Extended Basic cable package. That means that I will be able to get said channel without having to shell out more money (which I would have done). A channel solely showing baseball news, games, and documentaries? Oh yeah!
Karma is a great thing, my friends. Start helping old ladies cross the street, give money to the less fortunate, put down that fifth slice of pizza (trust me on that one... cause that muu-muu shouldn't look like a baby tee). Karma works. It's isn't just a good premise of a decent sitcom. I wanted hours upon hours of baseball goodness, and I got it!

On second thought, maybe I should have asked for cash...

Things I Learned This Weekend

2008-12-29T12:57:00.002-05:00

1. Never mix 7-8 shots of Hennessey with about 4-5 Bud Lights... No es bueno.

2. Got all three UFC picks wrong, but the card was nonetheless awesome.

3. No means no.

4. Drunk dialing can be fun, except if it is you getting called at 2am by a man who won't stop talking about his appreciation of the female body.

5. Did I mention no means no?

6. When drunk, the floor suddenly becomes the one of the most comfortable places in the world, second to the tiles right in front of the toilet.

7. Wal-Mart pizza is sooooo good when buzzed.

8. Hangovers can last longer than 24 hours (still feeling horrible... and it is Monday).

UFC 92 continued...

2008-12-28T14:40:00.001-05:00

...

um...

0-3 isn't that bad... sure it looks like I completely blew all three picks... but on the bright side, I got beyond blitzed off of Bud Light and Hennessey.

That sounds like a win-win in my book.

UFC 92

2008-12-24T18:19:00.003-05:00

Predictions for this saturday's card:

Quinton Jackson vs Wanderlei Silva -- I keep going back and forth when it comes to this match. This fight will end up being Fight of the Night, and I believe Silva will pull it out, barely. This will be an all-out war. I think Jackson will try to end the fight quickly, because he still has those two losses to Silva on his mind. Silva wants to end this fight with a brutal KO, just to shut up Rampage. These guys will kill each otherI see a 3rd Round TKO by Silva... but expect much bloodshed.

Antonio Rodrigo Noguiera vs Frank Mir -- I just cannot see Mir pulling this out. The only way he will be able to is on the ground, because Nog is a better striker. Nog can get knocked down, and if Mir can catch him, he has to pounce quickly. He cannot allow Nog to get his composure, because he has come back from hell to pull out a victory (i.e. Championship bout with Tim Sylvia). Nog by submission in the 4th rd.

Forrest Griffin vs Rashad Evans -- This is the fight that I have been waiting for. I must say up front that I am a Griffin mark. He has become one the most well-rounded fighters in the world. His boxing is impressive, his jiu-jitsu is much better, and he has become well-versed with submissions... also, the man has some of the most vicious leg kicks in the UFC (just ask Rampage). Rashad Evans is an outstanding wrestler, with a terrific stand-up game and power. His knock-out of Chuck Lidell will live on forever. He has to take the fight to the ground, and control him there, because if the fight stays up, then Griffin has the advantage with his kicks and due to his size, a considerable reach advantage. Rashad has yet to go five rounds, so the question will surface if he can go for 5 rounds. My belief is that he can and will. This fight will go to the cards, and with his reach and constant leg kicks, Griffin will win by decision.

I can post for the other fights, however it is time for me to go home and partake in much nog drinking and christmas song singin'. Have yourself a Merry Christmas!

...

And watch the fights if you can on Saturday. It will be an amazing night.

Quote of the Day

2008-12-23T18:26:00.002-05:00

$180 mil?? Holy shit!!

-- My brother, Bert, after hearing about Mark Teixiera signing for the Yankees.

Yankees do not suck... however...

2008-12-23T15:19:00.003-05:00

I truly hate their fans.

Nothing worse than some punks who started following them during their three-peat ('98-'00) talking about how they are crushed that the Yankees missed the playoffs by a few games this past year...

You spoiled little pricks...

You have no idea what that is like. Come back to me when you lose 100 games like the Mets did (1993), or when your team chokes away your season (oh wait... you did... 1994).

Had to vent... after seeing that the Yankees just signed Mark Teixiera, I just had to waste my hate somewhere.

Damn, my day is officially ruined.

2008 in Photographs

2008-12-23T11:41:00.001-05:00

http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2008/12/the_year_2008_in_photographs_p.html

http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2008/12/2008_in_photographs_part_2_of.html

http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2008/12/2008_the_year_in_photographs_p.html

They truly are worth a thousand words.

Humble beginnings of a life-long Mets fan.

2008-12-22T15:27:00.006-05:00

I have been a Mets fan for about 22 years now. I was hooked the first game I ever paid attention to. It was Game 6 of the 1986 World Series. My parents, and my uncles were in the living room watching the game. My brother and I were in our room, pretending to go to bed, but in actuality, were listening to the game on the radio. I had no idea what was happening, so my brother was giving me the brief overview on baseball while listening to the game. I remember just being confused by the whole thing, but still mesmerized by the fact that when something happened on the radio, I could hear my family in the living room reacting. When Dave Henderson hit the home run off of Rick Aguliera in the top of the 10th, I could hear anger. I heard even more anger when Marty Barrett singled home Wade Boggs later on that inning. I stopped paying attention to my brother. I was focused on the sounds coming from the living room, and to Bob Murphy's voice coming out of the radio.

Then eveything changed.

Cheering started to erupt when Gary Carter singled. Even louder cheering came when Kevin "World" Mitchell singled on the second pitch. Then, my room shook when Ray Knight looped the single to center, bringing home Carter, and cutting the lead to 5-4. By this time, my brother and I are hooting and hollering with everyone else. We had gotten into it. We stopped caring that we were making noise. We were rooting for the Mets. Our team.

Mookie Wilson's at-bat against Bob Stanley was it for me. I was sitting on the top bunk of the bunk bed my brother and I shared, trying to will Mookie to get a hit. Any hit. The wild pitch was thrown and everyone started to go crazy. My brother was screaming, my parents and uncles were screaming, and I was screaming (even though I had no idea what had happened... I just knew Mitchell had come home and tied the game at 5). A few minutes later, Mookie hit the roller that changed my life.

I don't remember most of the remainder of that night. I mainly remember my dad bursting in our room, going crazy, and having one of the biggest smiles on his face that I had ever seen. The Mets had made my dad so happy that night, and then even more so two days later, when they won Game 7 by the score of 8-5. After Game 6, I decided to be a Mets fan.

22 years later, after a handful of last place finishes, no championships, and watching the Yankees win 4 more, I am still a Mets fan. I cannot root for another team. I still live and die on a nightly basis during the summer, because of them. The Mets have ruined many winters for me, but still I come back... every spring... thinking "This is our year". Hopefully, this year, I get to see them win it again, if for no other reason, than to see that huge smile from my father again.

Ho Ho Ho, ya lazy bum

2008-12-19T15:39:00.003-05:00

Secret Santa day was today at the office. I am pretty broke at the moment, because of the trip to NYC I mentioned before in a previous blog entry. I managed the scrounge up a few ducets, haul ass to the mall, and get a gift card to Bath and Body Works (one of the items my co-worker mentioned in her wish list). Filled out a card, placed both cards in a gift bag, and had to work. Once I got there, I went over and placed the bag on her desk.

When I got to my desk, I noticed that I hadn't gotten anything yet, so I figured I would wait.

And wait I did...

and wait...

After 4 hours of work and no gift (mind you, everyone else had already received and gushed out their gifts), I spoke to my supervisor (the lucky person who organized this), to see if my Secret Santa had called out today. She checked and confirmed that they, in fact, had come in. 10 minutes later, my Santa calmly walks up to my desk, and drops an envelope on my desk, and walks away. Now, my wish list was pretty simple: either a cheesy Christmas sweater (can never have too many of those), or shaving stuff (Razors, lotion, etc.). Nothing extravagant. Well, lo and behold, the envelope contained a card that wasn't signed, and two crumpled $10 bills.

...

You have got to be kidding me...

At least fake a smile.... jeez...

And people wonder why my faith in humanity in waning (Thank you, Bush, for starting me down that path).

It's getting hot in herrrrrrr

2008-12-19T12:36:00.003-05:00

In New York City today, it is 33 degrees with heavy snow falling... Normal December weather.

In Greenville, South Carolina today, it is 63 degrees and my father is wearing shorts... Normal September weather.

Welcome to hell, kiddies.

Quote of the Day

2008-12-18T19:43:00.001-05:00

"I may like to fornicate more than other people, it's just who I am. I sacrifice so much of my life, can I at least get laid? I mean, I been robbed of most of my money, can I at least get my d—- sucked?"

-- Mike Tyson

Amen, my brother. Amen

Curt Schilling is a genius

2008-12-18T16:55:00.000-05:00

http://blogs.static.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/20747.html

PES vs. FIFA

2008-12-18T15:19:00.003-05:00

My older brother, Bert, recently decided that after about 10 years, he was ready for a change. He decided to switch from PES to FIFA.

PES (short for Pro Evolution Soccer) is an amazing soccer game for all video game systems. Very fluid, fun to play, and most importantly, incredibly realistic gameplay. For a soccer fanatic like him (and myself, to a lesser extent), gameplay is the key. On the other side of the coin, EA Sports have been putting out their FIFA series every year. Better game visually, and also fun to play. The difference between the two games comes down to two things... gameplay and licensing. FIFA owns all the major licenses for soccer (FIFA, UEFA, CONCACAF, all the European leagues), while PES has had little to no licenses. What that means is that FIFA can put out games that actually has authentic teams, stadiums, jerseys, and players. You can actually play as Bayer Leverkusen, New York Red Bulls, Arsenal (Bert's favorite team), Manchester United (My favorite squad), etc... In PES, because of the licenses, you can play as North London (Arsenal), Merseyside (Liverpool), or Man Red (... I won't even talk about it...). You can customize the ever loving shiz out of it, and you will have to, but it can get quite annoying.

What made my brother go back to PES every year was it's gamplay. FIFA was always more arcade-like, while PES had more of a realistic feel and touch to it... until this year. FIFA had changed their controls and gameplay to the point that it is now comparable to PES. PES, while tweaking their game sightly every year, has tended to have a "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" mentality... which lead to stagnant games. This year was the final straw for Bert. He decided that after 10 years of PES, he was ready for a change. Bought FIFA... marvelled at its newness and the gameplay. Fell in love...

and then out...

It's not like he hated the game (still thinks it is a blast to play)... but as it turns out...

My brother is one lazy dude.

After 10 years of virtually the same controls, he was having trouble adjusting to the different set-up. So much so, that he decided to switch BACK to PES. He just doesn't want to learn a new control system. Which lead to this conversation...

Bert: I played PES for 10 years. It's hard to learn new controls after playing the same thing for ten years. I am just comfortable with it.

Me: Wow. You truly sound like a married man.

Bert: (laughs) exactly.

So now he will go crawling back to PES, like a husband who ditched his wife for a younger woman, only to go back because his wife knows how he likes his eggs in the morning.

...

Note to self: Don't get married... and learn how to make your own damn eggs.

I am a chubby moron

2008-12-17T16:05:00.001-05:00

Working the 11am-8pm shift can be taxing, but if you pace yourself, and keep busy, one can make it out alive. I have working 2nd or 3rd shifts most of my professional life, so I am no stranger to this. But today, I made a rookie mistake that I will pay for the remainder of my shift.

Today was the company Christmas lunch. Tables and tables of delicious food... as far as the eye can see. I walked up, and filled my plate with my personal favorites: Stuffing, mac and cheese, stuffing, dirty rice, stuffing, garlic mashed potatoes, and of course... stuffing. Well, At the end of the line was a huge turkey. Normally, I ignore the turkey and just get a plate of stuffing, but what the heck? It's the holidays. I got some turkey to go with my overflowing plate of holiday goodness. Well, I get back to my seat, and proceed to go through that plate like a Ralphie May comedy special (Messy, way too fast, and just not pretty on the eyes).

About an hour later, during a call... it hits...

The itis!

I am now basically a grizzly bear after getting shot with a tranquilizer dart. Everything is in slow-motion, everyone is slurring their speech (I think), and I just want to crawl under my desk and take a nap.

I still have 4 more hours left of my shift...

Pray for me.

I got sunshine in a bag...

2008-12-17T12:18:00.005-05:00

Actual exchange with a customer today:

Me: So all of your services are down at the moment?

Cust: Yup, sure are! I am enjoying the quiet!

Me: You are the first person I have spoken to that is enjoying the fact that their services are down.

Cust: Hey, I look at it like this... No loud customers yelling at me over the phone, and the wife cannot call in to nag at me about the kids, or everything else. My feet are up, my man. Please, take all the time you need to get the lines back up. I am in noooooo rush.

I would love to have what he is having.

Name Change

2008-12-16T15:18:00.001-05:00

Who knew changing my name by one letter would be so damn hard?!? Damn you, Osama!

My court appearance was scheduled for Dec. 1st at 11am. I showed up at 10am, because I had no idea what the court appearance would actually entail. Would I have to stand before the judge? Would I have to state the reasons why? Do I have to run an obstacle course “Double Dare”-style in order for my request to be processed? I have no idea.

I went to the courtroom at sat down in the last row. Figuring I had an hour to kill, I took out my laptop and started rocking some “Mario Golf”. About 20 minutes later, the bailiff walked up to me and we had this enlightening conversation:

Bailiff: Are you here for a name change?

Me: Yes.

Bailiff: Your name, please?

Me: Davis

Bailiff: Let’s see… (Pulls out a small pad)… Davis… Davis... Garcia?

Me: That’s the name is my mom mistakenly gave me, sir.

Bailiff: Ok, Thank you.

That was it. Thinking nothing of it, I went back to destroying the Mushroom Course with my deadly assortment of chips, putts, and bludgeoning drives. Once 11am hit, I looked up, and saw the judge just sitting at the bench, head down. Figuring she was setting herself up for the proceedings, I started to power down the laptop (-16, baby!!! I had a short game that would have made Mario cry, and Princess Peach asking me back to her room so I can show her my 9 wood), when the bailiff stood up and proclaimed…

“The judge has approved all name requests. Please go downstairs to the first floor to receive your conditional court papers and instructions”

That was it. I flew up to NY, just for this. I could have had a homeless guy say his name was Davis Garcia, pay him 4 bucks and a carton of Virginia Slims, and it would have turned out the same! Sure, I could have been caught and arrested for fraud... but this way I would have saved a bunch of money, and the homeless guy (in my mind, his name is Stinky Pete) would sell his smokes for meth...

It would have been a win-win.

Except for the prison part... I am way too pretty for jail.

11/29

2008-12-16T15:17:00.001-05:00

Today I woke up on Marc’s futon. It is not the most comfortable place to sleep, and it is covered in dog hair, but I sleep in front of a heater, so I am warm and toasty. I also sleep right next to the living room , so I can watch a few things before passing out. J Their dog, Primus, is sleeping right next to my head. He is a very sweet, good natured dog, so I never mind him trying to snuggle. Anyway, woke up around ten AM, and the first thing I did was pay the Con Ed bill. Went online, and paid it through an online check. Terry had texted me at 4am (?), telling me that our meet-up time has to be moved up from noon to 2pm. Oh well, that gives me time to BS with my other family.

Hillary is a cool chick. She gives as good as she gets (which is a great thing, considering she is married to Marc), and is a genuine sweetheart. Ryker is a little sonic boom with no pants on. However, he is very respectful, so even though he was playing in the living room, he made sure not to make a lot of noise, so I can sleep. Either that, or I was so exhausted, that I could have slept through a nuclear explosion if it had gone off in their apartment (I would have been vaporized, but I would have sleeping while being turned into radioactive dust).

Anyway, woke up, stretched and laid down my morning cable. Found out that we won’t be having our belated Thanksgiving dinner tonight, because the turkey was still frozen. Apparently, it has to be defrosted for about 160 hours before cooking… DOMINO’S IT IS!!!!!

Anyway, I showered, got dressed, discussed Marc’s upcoming foray into Greenville later this month. He will be flying into Greenville-Spartanburg Airport, so it will be slightly pricier, but less of a car ride to the house… but I digress for now. I downed a cup of coffee and headed out the door to meet Terry at the Border’s next to Madison Square Garden.

Terry is one of my oldest friends. We met about 5 years ago when we both started working at Cablevision. We bonded over bad training, and the daily ridicule of one of our fellow employees we called “The Colonel”, because of an answer to one of the questions we were once asked (he answered KFC), and also due to the simple fact that he was about 350 pounds of pure, unadulterated stupid. A man who I once ridiculed in front of everyone… and he took it without incident. (One of my character flaws is that I can be a bully sometimes… but I am just over-compensating… cause I grew up fat). Anyway, I digress… Terry and I have been through a good deal, and she is, as I once told her, the younger Hawaiian brother I never had… except that she is a chick.

(Did I mention that she is a lesbian? Oh well, she is)

Terry eventually got to Border’s 15 minutes late (someone got sick on the train), and man, she has lost a great deal of weight! She looked really good, and I am very proud of her. She also got her lip pierced, because apparently, she wants to look nothing like a girl (almost there, chica). Anyway, we walked around Downtown for a bit, catching up and just checking out the sights. While outside of Dunkin Donuts for a caffeine pit stop, she asked me for a favor that I thought would never happen in my life. She wanted me to go with her to an adult video store with her. Apparently, Terry and her lovely girlfriend wanted to add some spice to the boudoir, so they wanted to get a nice romantic video (wink wink). Her rules were:

1. No old people
2. Has to look romantic… no 13 person rub downs with toys
3. Has to be doing things they would want to do

Since I have never search for pron with a woman, let alone a lesbian, I jumped at the chance. We walked over to 40th and 8th ave., where we found a video place that not only have movies, but peepshows as well (couples are welcome!). We found the lesbian section and after about 30 minutes of deliberation (This one looks too punk… the women in this one all look like my mom… this one looks too crazy… I think that IS my mom…this one uses beer bottles…), we found the perfect movie. The girls looked cute and young, there was a lot of kissing and cuddling, and it was cheap (always a bonus). She purchased the movie, and then proceeded to say that it was good to search for the movie with an aficionado, like myself.

After our little foray into the world of sheboygining, we looked for a place for lunch. We settled on a Chinese buffet on 40th and 7th, which worked, cause it was very filling… and didn’t work, because the food was bland and the service was atrocious. Afterwards, we went to her job (works at a Billabong on 34th St.) Hung out with her for a while, until I realized that I was completely out of place there. Everyone had that skater/surfer look, and I looked like I slept on a futon next to a dog the previous night. So, afterward some awkward glances, I decided to head uptown to check out the apartment, and hang with mom.

My mom had come up to NYC for a while to take care of some apartment issues, as well as take a class on cake decoration and party planning. Because she was up in New York, she was not able to do Thanksgiving with us this year. Thanksgiving is another story for another time (for it was a mess from the word go). When I got to the apartment, no one opened the door. When I called her cell, I heard it in the apartment, but no one was answering the phone, or the door. After about 15 minutes, I started to get really worried. What if she is hurt, or worse?!? I was just about to speak with a neighbor, so I could get in through the window, she walked up the stairs. She had gone out to buy a few things, but forgot her phone. Damn you, vile woman! After my heart went back to normal speed, we proceeded to start going through the storage space in the kitchen and throwing out everything not needed (which was a lot), and putting the rest in a duffel bag for transport back to SC. It took a good 2 hours for the packing and the cleanup to be completed (it was a lot of crap). When we were finally done, I washed up to head out the door, when my mom got a call from my dad. Apparently, he was driving to pick up my sister from work, when a pick up smashed into the passenger side of the van. My dad walked away ok, but the van was crushed. Oh yeah… it has been a wooooooonderful past few weeks for my family. After reassuring my mom that everything will be ok, and telling my dad to go to the hospital, I began another 2+ hour train ride to Marc’s (I should really think about this next time I am in NYC).

155 pee-smelling minutes later, I get back to Marc’s place. Exhausted and starving. Since the turkey needs more time to defrost , they made steak and grilled veg. Ended up playing “Mario Golf” for a while, and then passed out without even rolling out the bed.

11/28

2008-12-16T15:13:00.002-05:00

Man, I love JetBlue. It is the greatest airline out there. Just the TV set-up makes it worth the trip to JFK (maybe…). It was an all-around great experience. The leg room was spacious (since I am a big guy, leg room is a luxury that I don’t usually get to experience.), and the guy next to me was a nice, quiet guy who kept to himself (I hate random chatters during a flight. For the love of God, I do not want to hear about your 10 grandkids and how one of them won a spelling bee. Just read your SkyMall catalog and leave me alone).

JetBlue has one thing that I just absolutely loved. During the flight, the steward (male stewardess) came to each person with a pad, and was taking drink orders. If you wanted a Tom Collins, or a Cosmo, he would make it and serve it you. If you are like me, and don’t want to get completely sloshed at 30,000 feet, they have a variety of beverages. The thing that different was that it was not only free, but you can have as much as you want. I had a small Dunkin Donuts coffee, and a Coke Zero. Weird combo, but fuck it, it was free.

I also felt like a douche bag throughout the whole trip, because I had stolen a head set. When you start boarding the flight, they is a small glass casing that is filled with headsets. The headsets are available to everyone, but they cost $1. In front of a casing, is a small box for said dollar. The interesting part is that the casing that held the headset is not locked. People were opening it up and just grabbing one, while placing the dollar it is cash box. I grabbed a headset, and was about to pay when I noticed that there was a coat on the floor. Apparently, the guy in front of me dropped it when giving his boarding pass. I picked it up, rushed through the pass process and caught up with the guy. The entire process also made the paying of the dollar slip my mind, cause I went to my seat, and noticed that I had a headset, AND the dollar in my hand. And since I am Puerto-Rican, I wasn’t stupid enough to say anything, so I walked away with a free pair of headphones… Yeah… I am scummy.

We touched down at 7:45 and I got my bag at 8pm. I then jumped on the AirTrain ($5 for that ride… scandalous) to Jamaica Station for the E train. Took the E train to Queens Boulevard, and then transferred to the R train, which went local all the way to its last stop in Bay Ridge. Time on the airplane from Charlotte, NC to NYC: 100 minutes. Time on the trains from JFK airport to Marc’s apartment: 130 minutes… needless to say, I was none too happy with the MTA.

Once I got to Marc’s, we hung out for a while in his living room, catching up, having dinner (steak and roasted veggies… yummo!), and watched some UFC on Fox Sports Espanol (They showed the Tim Sylvia – Antonio Noguiera brawl for the belt). We then played Mario Golf on my laptop, until it overheated and died on us. That was a good indicator that the night was over. He went to sleep and ended up crashing out around 3am, watching some “Real Time with Bill Maher” on HBO OnDemand.